Embracing Who I Am, At Last

This year I'm 56 years old. Like most people, I still am working on finding my life purpose.  Although how many people out there at my age can even say that they have a life purpose, or even thought that they needed one?

If I were to compare where I was according to Mark Manson's, The Four Stages of Life, I would put myself as just only moving on towards the 3rd stage, the stage where it is considered the great consolidation of one's life, as he puts it.

I was stuck in the 1st Stage for a very long time.  I was taught to always work towards getting approval and validation for whatever I was to do.  There were rules and regulations that had to be followed everywhere in my life.  Don't do anything that would make me stand out or be different. Always ask people what they expected from me before doing anything.  From being a good daughter, to being a good wife, to being a good mother, there were always expectations and performance evaluations either from the people surrounding me or from me, myself.  How a person is defined and expected to be, to act, to live up to a definition based on a particular gender, race or religion.  I was the worst judge of myself. I could never live up to my own expectations as I strived to be perfect in whatever I did.  It also didn't help when I had a spouse, a boss or a parent who kept reminding me of what I was supposed to be, how I was supposed to act, so that what I did was what other people; my family, my colleagues or my siblings wanted me to be, or to give the proper impression of who I was supposed to be in accordance with the performance expectations of those around me whilst conforming to societies norms and prejudices.

In trying to please everyone around me and conforming to what society expected of me, is when I learnt that I just couldn't.  I learnt that I couldn't please everyone around me, and I couldn't be a person that other people wanted me to be so that I would fit into their definition of what a wife, daughter or person was supposed to be in their defined world.  I failed.  I couldn't be a perfect mother, making sure I cooked all the food for my kids and husband to be served at the right time and yet be a perfect employee at work being present at all meetings and working late on an important project to be able to meet its deadline.  I couldn't be the perfect loving wife and not make my husband jealous and yet not be able to go out meet colleagues for late night discussions.  I couldn't be an exemplary student attending classes for a Masters degree after work and be a dedicated mother to breastfeed my son to sleep at night.  Trying to be perfect, made me imperfect.  I hated myself for it.  So, I rebelled.  I stopped doing it all.  And decided that I would decide myself what my own version of me would be.  I was 40 then.

Hah!  Easier said than done.

I stopped being in a marriage that was considered traditional with a person deemed to be appropriate for me to be the perfect wife to.  I stopped working as a teacher, a profession that was expected of me by my parents, even since I finished my Form five schooling, even though my national exam results indicated that I was capable of a more demanding career in science, math and technical fields.  It was assumed that as I was a girl, a teaching career would be the most appropriate for me to be able to maintain my duties as a wife yet make some amount of income to ensure that my welfare was protected just in case my husband was not the responsible husband as expected.  And so with all that, I also ended up stopping to be the perfect daughter as well since I was no longer doing the things that was expected of me; that is, getting a stable income, yet not to exceed the main provider of the family, the husband; the breadwinner, decision maker and leader of the family.  My dad had actually accused me of of being the reason he had taken up smoking again after quitting 5 years back, saying that my non conforming to his expectations by getting a divorce was putting the gun to the head.

From young, we are brainwashed to go through life in default mode. Just like the American saying of getting that perfect version of life by getting that house with a white picket fence, two kids and a dog.  Brings to my mind, the movie, The Truman Show.  We tend to live our lives as a fallacy based on what has been defined for us by those who have something to gain from it; be it monetary or for power and control.  Plus, it is easier to conform than to figure out what each of us have unique about ourselves.  Less thinking.  Just do what is expected of us.  Easy.  Unfortunately, not for me.

Before I quit my job, I actually dreamt of myself jumping off the edge of a cliff into the unknown.  I couldn't see the cliff bottom through the fog and mist on my way down.  I didn't fall haphazardly, but instead it felt that I could have grown wings, though I didn't.  But I woke up before I reached the bottom though.  And after that only I understood through readings the meaning of "building your wings as you fall..." and "burning your bridges..."

Like I said, easier said than done.  I had no idea what is was I was suppose to be or to do.  I just knew that I couldn't take it any longer pretending to be what I was not to be.  But, after having the large amount of my life being under the influence of living under other peoples expectations, I didn't learn how to figure out my own life.  I have been learning since.  It has been 16 years of learning and I have yet to see the end of it.  I haven't yet consolidated everything about myself.  I don't think I can find the fine line between Mark Manson's the Stage 2 process of self discovery and the Stage 3 of committing to the consolidation of the discoveries of myself just yet.

I have discovered my unique self in terms of embracing my being different in all aspects of me; my beliefs, my philosophies, my needs, my expectations of myself and more.  In short, I really don't want to be compared to anyone except myself.  It has made me a more private person.  At the same time a braver person.  I am still putting effort to stop myself from running in place or living in a rut by purposely trying out new things and activities no matter how hard it feels whilst still working on conquering my fears of the unknown and negative self talk.  Realizing I had potential and being able to bring it out in me was and still is a difficult thing for me to do.  Insecurities, fear and mental blocks prevent me from my self discovery.  The discovery of meditation and John Assaraf's Innercise of which I have been using to work on myself these past 5 years has been of great help.  I now have the courage to write about myself.  I started my own business in 2011 and am now able to see the bigger picture and accept the experiences in the adventures of being an entrepreneur when in the beginning it was purely a desperate attempt to make a decent living.  There is a difference on how we perceive our business venture, whether it is to make a living or to gain experience as put by Sir Richard Branson on Why We Need to Add Adventure to Our Business.

"I have always looked on my businesses not just as money-making machines, but as adventures that can, I hope, make people better off."

~ Sir Richard Branson

I now consider my life as a journey with hopes to have the courage to experience its adventures and accept the unknowns as gifts from the Universe.  I accept that I am a Late Entrepreneur.  Better late than never working on leaving my legacy.  That's my purpose in life.

Jim Rohn, 5 Undeniable Reasons to Leave a Legacy


Mark Manson, 7 Strange Questions That Help You Find Your Life Purpose

Accepting the Challenges

A challenge is something new and difficult which requires great effort and determination.

~Collins Dictionary

Life itself is a challenge.  I recently announced to my husband that I no longer will let myself fall into a rut.  I see too many examples of life being wasted due to being complacent.  I admit I am guilty of such as well.  It is too easy getting into a comfort zone and continue to do so with excuses and definitions to subscribe and justify ones actions of complacency, such as falling into habits and wanting life to be content and comfortable.  

I am not saying that I don't want my life to be content and comfortable.  Yet, let's define what it means to be content and comfortable.  Will money provide contentment and comfort in a person's life?  How about having a happy family?  Having a good life partner?  Being healthy?  In order for a family to be happy, its members would need to be able to provide for each other.  Same goes for having a life partner who will be at your side for better or for worse.  I've known many relationships having failed due to the worse.  And the key to being healthy is being able to have good quality and nutritious food, which costs money doesn't it?  

Except for the few born with a silver spoon, everyone else still has to find a way to make enough money to be content and comfortable.  This will undoubtedly require some, if not tremendous amount of challenges.  So we tell ourselves that we are happy and contented without wealth in order to make ourselves feel better and avoid having to get off our asses and face the challenges that will come when we go out there to make more money.

Even if it wasn't about money, so we tell ourselves, we, as human beings tend to get bored when everyday is the same.  I am unable to comprehend those who go through life day to day the same; the same job, the same routine, especially those who make a monthly wage living.  I call it a life of complacency.  Every month at the same time of the month you get a salary.  Then you spend it on bills and monthly payments for the car, the house, fees, and such and with the leftover, after putting away some for savings, spend that on entertainment; movies, travel, eating out, buying clothes, and such.  And this goes on day to day, week to week, month to month, year to year until the end of life.  For those who did put away some in savings, it usually ends up being used for your children's college education, their wedding and finally on old age medication and pain relief until the day we die, some leaving some funds for our beneficiaries to be lucky enough to inherit and continue living the same cycle of life.

We have been brainwashed with the Lego movie song that "Everything is Awesome!" with this everyday cycle of life repeating itself over and over again kinda lifestyle.  That the less challenges we face, means that our life is better.  We use the resources of the earth with new clothes, furniture, toys, cars and food wastage because we feel that they are part and parcel of the necessity of living.  And yes, we have to have money to do so.  

But, do we see that we are just living a life of existence?  We are just existing in this life.  Eat.  Sleep.  Defecate.  Copulate.  Buy things.  Find entertainment.  Repeat.

In this complacent lifestyle, we are users.  We use up the resources of the earth.  We create waste.  And then we leave this earth.  We make ourselves feel that we have made a contribution by telling ourselves that as long as we do not do anything bad to others and remember our Creator we have contributed for the greater good.  Easy, isn't it?  Hardly any challenges in order to achieve all of that.  Just have to find a decent job of course.  And keep it for a significant number of years in order to be able to save a significant amount of funds to sustain the length of our old age and to support whatever ailments we have until we have to leave.  That is, if our savings last until that day.  If not, then to hope that our children or grandchildren have been brought up such that they will take responsibility for taking care of us until then.

Nope.  Not for me.  Because I think that human beings were created special.  Unlike the rest of living things who were meant to follow a set of rules in the cycle of nature, we are meant for greater things.  Human beings were given intelligence to pursue a purpose in life; How to solve problems for a better world.  To use our minds to realize the rationality of all of us as equals and to work together not being compelled by made up norms meant to divide us due to our differences in race, culture, nationality or religion.  And it is these norms that have been put forth by those, to put us into a lifestyle of complacency so that we are reduced to become creatures of habit living a predictable lifestyle rather than urging us to get out of our rut and challenge ourselves to constantly change, upgrade, evolve and accept life and the rough patches we need to go through to become a continued best and new version of ourselves everyday, every hour, every minute.  

They say fear is good for you.  I have been fearful of fear since I knew about fear.  I feared my first day of school in a foreign country.  I feared making friends because they were strangers first.  I feared going to each of the seven new schools I had to go to each time my family moved to a new place.  I feared my teachers because I was different and my inquisitiveness was not accepted as a norm in the learning process.  I feared telling my parents what I was going through at school because I didn't want to bother them as they were too busy to ask.  In short, I feared anything new because it would not be the norm and most likely not accepted by general opinion.  I feared being different.  Therefore, I feared being me.  By avoiding fear, I gave in to the need to fit in, to be part of the group, to conform to what others think and do.

No more. I just can't. I have been failing at being normal. Due to my following what others deem for me to be the appropriate actions, accepted appearance, lifestyle and even career causing me to have a complacent lifestyle which led to a mundane and predictable existence, I can no longer accept that.  I often question myself if I am too late.  Another consequence of my fears it seems.  Only realizing that I had a choice to live my life to my potential at the late age of 40 after my kids left for college and my relationship with my spouse was on shaky ground due to inadequate financial earnings leaving me to contemplate the need for more independent pursuits and the challenges it brings as well as my having to learn how to conquer the concept of fear in all of its forms.  

By doing so, I have had to face challenges that forced me to face my fears, and learn how to use these fears as my fuel to overcome these challenges. The challenges will keep on coming.  I keep on learning.  I am no longer complacent in my life.  It is full of ups and downs.  And I am grateful that due to this I have lost the friends who want to keep me in the norm, but I have gained new ones who continue to support me and strengthened my relationship with my spouse, for they believe in me in good times and in hard times.  My contribution to life may be small for now.  I am still finding my purpose.  But everyday is different and life is full of surprises.  

No wonder they call this a journey.  I have been on it since.  

I call them #auntyfaizahlifeadventures.

My Malay Chinese Dilemma in School

After coming home from a four year stay in Canada, I continued schooling in my Malaysia. It was a change indeed from the more liberal education system overseas where a person's individualism is cultivated to grow positively and independently, rather than a system more towards conformation towards a set of standards and majority conceptions.

There are three major examinations in the education system in Malaysia; the primary national exam, the lower secondary national exam and the upper secondary national exam.

From the beginning of my schooling in Malaysia, I had always been able to achieve results that would put me in the best class of any school I was in.  From Standard Two, my classmates included my cousin, from my mother's Chinese side of the family.  We were always in the best class, due to our exam results. Although we were not as close as sisters were, we were together learning the same things, with the same teachers, with the same classmates, doing the same homework.  But we were not in the same circle of friends.  I was closer with my Malay friends and she with her Chinese friends.  The reason why, would require in-depth study from an expert as to why we chose to be with persons of similar race.  But in my case, the expert would have to figure out why I was with the Malay students and not the Chinese, as I was of both races.  Was it because I looked more Malay than I was Chinese?  Not because I was more fluent in the Malay language I presume, as I was English speaking.  Could it be because I wasn't fluent in the Chinese language?  I actually, was perfectly comfortable and capable to be in either race social group without so much as a thought as to its racial identity?  Or could it be that the Chinese students did not see me as their equal or as Chinese actually?

With the first exam, the primary national exam, my results warranted me to be in the same league as my cousin.  I, instead was offered a place in a boarding school exclusively for Malays.  I declined the offer as I wanted to study with everybody else and I wasn't particular about being "exclusive".  I, however was very much mistaken, as the concept of a mutually exclusive society, especially in education, was about to prevent me from being able to study alongside with everybody else as I wanted.

Because I had declined going to a boarding school, I was looking forward to meeting my friends again in the first year of secondary school.  Donning my new secondary school uniform which was turquoise in color compared to the dark blue one from primary school, I felt grown up and no longer under the "children" category.

As our names were being called, I saw one by one my classmates and my cousin being designated a class called 1S, with S being for Science.  My Malay friends however were designated to 1A with whomever's results fell accordingly from top to bottom 1B, 1C and so on.  Imagine my confusion when my name was not called out.  I, on the other hand was in neither 1S or 1A but was called aside and placed in the class 1P, (with P being for Perdagangan or Accounting) with strangers not previously from my school, but students whose results were at par with 1S students from other schools.  The only exception is that students in 1P were ALL Malays and they all boarded in a location nearby, except of course, for ME.

Once in the classroom for 1P, I immediately felt like I wanted to run out of the classroom as per my previous incident 5 years ago.  There was no explanation given as to why I was placed in a strange classroom with all Malays and when I found out that P was for Accounting, I was even more confused as to this alien subject matter which was unfamiliar to me.  Why was I deprived of Science and Pure Math?  I got A's in all my subjects except the Malay Language subject.  This alone should have been indicative of my educational aptitude, if at all examinations are indeed indicative of educational aptitude (Another topic worth of debate).  Therefore if my exams results were not indicative of my abilities for Math and Science, my Chinese heritage should have put this doubt to rest. Not to say that I am at least pro to the idea that race has anything to do with subject matter competency.  I just wanted to be with my classmates, and cousin.

I stuck it out for a day.  I don't remember what I did exactly, but I think I must have approached a teacher or someone.  It could be that I went and talked to the 1S form teacher, and they put me into 1A with my Malay friends.  Well, better than being with strangers, even though I had to take Home Science instead of Science and certainly not Accounting. (I don't know why, but until today, I simply do not like accounting.  Even having experienced it as subjects later in the coming other schools and my MBA courses.  I love Mathematics, which is my degree major, but not Accounting.)

And so my friendship with my Malay friends became close since it was the only friendship that endured the past five years.

It did not prevent me from having pangs of envy whenever I passed by my cousin and classmates at the science lab on the way to Home Science and I saw them looking into microscopes of thinly sliced onions, and them making jokes with the teacher about the human reproductive system and other intricate drawings of cells and science facts on the board.  Instead I had to distinguish between the uses of a kitchen towel versus a dish cloth and why a dish cloth is to be used to wipe dry a pot rather than a kitchen towel.  I got scolded very often for mistakes in the kitchen regarding basic skills like using the wrong utensils and not knowing how to fry my kuih kacang hijau (mung bean fritters) somehow with all the mung beans not adhering together as a solid fritter but scattered all over the oil.

My first year in secondary school, turned out to be as my first year in primary school, often picked on and scolded by a particular teacher, until my friends, coming to my defense, tells me to not volunteer too many questions in the learning process and to just accept whatever facts the teacher decides to provide us without question.

Over the following years, moving from one school to another, I had the opportunity to experience another three schools before I "escaped" to college, a term I like to use to indicate the freedom I later had to pursue my educational fields of interest, as compared to what was previously forced upon me because of societal assumptions regarding educational proficiency based on racial differences that had been accepted by my community.

For my Form Two education, I experienced a total Malay school environment when my family moved to Kepala Batas, a small township surrounded by acres of padi fields in the year 1978.  As you may have guessed, I had to take Accounts again with the only science subject being General Science along with General Math and English being my strong subject.

The next year, we moved to Klang, and even though I had applied for admission to the mission schools there, I was instead enrolled in a national girls school called Bukit Kuda.  Fortunately, it was here that I came to enjoy the adventures of experiencing the many activities of being a teenager as well as what school could actually offer me and what I could offer it.

My racial dilemma had actually almost ended here with only little dashes of incidents that did not stop me from bringing out my potential and the best of me.  I am fortunate for that and this school and its teachers; I tribute you and am grateful to you.  Forgive any discrepancies in my memory on your subject matter cause the person your model provided me was more than the subject matter you taught me.

Mrs Guna; History and teacher in charge of Prefects.  She believed in me, gave me the most eye opening pep talk, and was the brunt of my naughtiness that felt free to come out and be playful with her.  Your sense of humor and support of my potential was a resolve I wish my parents had of me.

Ms Vivian; Class teacher, English.  You let me tag along for Drama class so that I could be part of the experience even though I could not act.  You are my role model for refinement and perfectionism.

Ms Mary Peters; Chemistry.  You gave me the opportunity to enjoy a subject I was deprived of for so many years in school.  I still remember the chlorine gas incident.

Mrs Yap;  You taught me that "I am the candle in the night,..." as well as the ability to be a genius in Math, to enjoy Math, and set the stage for me to pursue an education in Math.

The last year of school in a mission school in Kajang was again a reminder of how things really were and how racial prejudices and assumptions were to influence the mindsets of the different races in my country, impacting any efforts, if any are in place at all, of the way to conceive a truly Malaysian identity and existence.

School is about enjoying sports and the outdoors. 

It creates teamwork, respect, honor and leadership skills.  

Acknowledgement is important not just for educational accomplishments, but also to motivate good life skills; kindness, fairness, compassion, love and respect for each other's differences and individuality.

Every human being has the right to reach his/her potential in any environment they wish.

The world needs to be a free and safe place for everyone regardless of where they were born, their race, culture, skin color or religion. We are all human beings on this earth.

#peace

#peopleofearth

#thehumanrace