Where Are My Friends?

I have been feeling lonely these past few months. Still feeling the emptiness, ever since my mom passed away I think. 

Then I remember that my mom began to deteriorate in terms of health, memory with dementia like symptoms after my uncle passed away.  Although depression being the cause of dementia is unproven, but mom was extremely sad; not having anyone to talk to, to ask for advice, to listen to and complain to about life and her rants about her children and husband, her aging health and more.  The occasional once every few months telephone calls from her living sisters all over the world in Singapore, Canada and the US, did not ease her loneliness.  My uncle was the only one left of her siblings in Malaysia.  The one whom she could call any day, everyday just to have someone listen to her, and vice versa.  What with my dad not being much of an understanding person when it came to women and mom issues that were dismissed as being insignificant and petty.  

I am so grateful my husband will let me have my occasional rants and emotional raves about my dissatisfaction about family and life, and my perceptions of the world's wrongs and how it should be; the times when I couldn't get through to my son why he shouldn't come home late at night, or worrying about how I was going to save enough money to pay the next semester's college tuition fees coming due, or why my hot flashes keep me from sleeping at night, my husband, the only person patiently listening to my solutions on how I am going to help the elderly live the end of their days beautifully and dignified.  I say he is patient, because when I push for ideas from him, he is unable to accommodate me, thus further frustrating me and my desire to put forth my thoughts out into the world.

This year has had more challenges than usual.  It must be this that is making me feel lonely.  Or maybe, restless is more like it.  I had decided to close my cafe businesses a few months after the Covid-19 pandemic was announced and Malaysia implemented the Movement Control Order with people not allowed to go out and about.  Not going to work at the cafe; not being able to meet with workers and customers and experiencing human interaction did effect me, though not as much as the activity of being out and about.  As I do not usually have that many other interactions or meets with anyone, except the yearly meet with my bestie that lasts until the wee hours of the morning, sometimes overnight even, and at least the one time yearly dinner date with my lawyer friend usually on my birthday, until he passed a couple of years ago.  This year, I had been fortunate to be able to meet my bestie before the Covid-19 movement restrictions were enforced still in effect until this day.  This interaction should not be a significant miss, yet I am craving some sort of interaction and the urge to tell someone of what I am going through.

I question myself now about the fact that I do not have close friends.  Acquaintances I have plenty.  Friends, who are more than acquaintances also enough, I feel.  Best friend or bestie? The one is fine.  But close friends? The ones that are valuable buddies.  The ones you reach out to when the going gets rough, for help or support and the ones you share secrets with.  These friends, come to think of it, I do not have.

Four Core Types of Friends.

Based on the definition of "close friend", I would need to trust that someone.  Who would I trust, when it came to friends?  None.  Besides my bestie?  She is in the category of having the privilege of not having to talk or communicate with me for months on end and we will still connect without reserve whenever we are able to meet.  

So, do I need a close friend or a group of close friends?  Emma Pattee writing for the New York Times says that I do, and that close friendships are necessary for optimal health and well being.

Uh oh! Am I in trouble?  I certainly do not want to end up lonely, continuously complaining, bitter and negative about life, whilst desperately and deliriously trying to tell someone about it so that I can be sane.  What am I to do?  Even at this moment that I want to talk to someone about what I am going through in my business, life and future plans, I do not relish the social requirements of entertaining friends.

Just recently I was eating breakfast at my favorite French cafe known for its pastries and breakfast menu that I like to treat myself with on occasion.  I was thoroughly enjoying my fresh pastry and coffee whilst listening in to a group of ladies at the next table, I presume to be close friends, as they exchanged information and compliments about each other's lives and accomplishments; information on a husband's promotion, a child being accepted to a prestigious overseas college, a shopping experience, and even comparing notes on the status of their orchids.  I did the only thing comfortable to me, that is, continue to enjoy my breakfast, taking my own time, savoring every bite of the caramelized apple and every sip of the dark roast coffee, grateful to be able to be able to be comfortable with my own company.

Rather than succumb to the social norms that require me to have close friends, I am deciding that close friends would find me when the time calls for it.  I presume that my "friend" will come along as I meet new people in the course of my dealings and journey building my business and legacy.  But just to be sure that being a social outcast is not detrimental to me, I look for more resources and affirm my INTJ Personality Type Woman and find out more and bring to light why my being the rarest personality type for a woman makes me feel different, even to the extent of being weird even. Yet for some reason I am comfortable with that.  Now I know it is expected of someone like me.  No longer need I feel that I have to justify my different social preferences then.

24 Signs That You're An INTJ Personality Type

8 Style of Genius Free Personality Test

So now, getting back to me having to rant to someone besides the endless talking to myself and my husband, the only other solution is to write, of which I am doing right now.  For my future sanity and to resolve the need to get my thoughts and ideas out there, I have also decided that for this New Year 2021, I am going to re-start playing the piano, as soon as I can purchase one, being another goal on my list.  And start oil painting.

Though not quite giving up on making friends.  Here are the criteria that was put forth by the experts. 

The Female INTJ's Guide to Finding Friends Who Get You.

What INTJs Need From Their Friends

And so, I believe that I have concluded and resolved my initial dilemma with this writing exercise which required me to think and rethink, research, read and reread, before being fully satisfied with what I am about to share with anyone who is willing to read this.  As far as friendship goes, the value of it if you have it is indeed priceless and not to be taken lightly.  Especially if you have friends in the "close friends" category.  Almost everyone needs to talk and share secrets with someone they can trust, someone who can understand, empathize without judgement, doesn't blame or criticize you and let you be yourself.  Of course, a close friend will also tell you to your face and be honest to goodness.  But if ever your decide that you want to go your own way, that close friend will be there to listen and sympathize when your decision does go awry.  In terms of optimal health and well being, it is important to experience positive mental and physical reactions for our body, mind and soul, whether it be by having many or a few friends, or not.  I think I can get away without having the close friends as being the factor for optimal health and well being.  I just have to be comfortable with myself and not stress about doing the norm and go searching for it.  For anything good to come to you, you have to be grateful for what you have in the first place.  So, I am grateful that the Universe has given me a husband who so far can replace the need for another close friend, besides myself, that is. 

I believe that as long as we are fulfilled and at peace with ourselves we will live a long, happy and beautiful life.  That's what I am all about; #MakingLifeBeautiful and having an #ExceptionalLifeMindset.

My Friends Throughout The Years

School friends, classmates in Primary School.  

Most people make friends in school starting with their classmates. Usually the journey of friendship is a long one when they carry the friendship throughout the adolescence years.  A common interest in activities, sharing of emotions and feelings strengthening an evolving friendship occurs when friends support each other as they face the challenges of growing up, any family dilemmas, and personal growth. This was the longest time I was with my friends at the Methodist Girls' Primary School in Ipoh. Four years from Standard Two until Standard Six, and then continuing with some of them until Secondary Form One until my family had to move to another state with my dad, as he was working as an Agricultural Officer having to constantly take assignments and positions at different locations during my school years.

One of the closer friends during my Secondary school years. I spent only 2 years at that school, Bukit Kuda in Klang.  I have not met her since the day I left.  That was in 1980.

Dorm mates during teacher training in a school in Taiping, when I came back to Malaysia during Summer break for teaching internship whilst studying for my bachelor's degree in the United States.  Somehow we clicked then.

In University, the few whom I enjoyed the company of...

Although I am no longer in touch with anyone here, the value of the friendships in those moments were indeed a treasure even if they are now fond memories...