I was never a confident child. It didn't help that my first schooling experience was in another country with people who were so far different from my ethnicity, race or cultural background. I felt not only different, but also not as good as everybody else. On top of that, I was bullied at school. My parents taught me not do anything that would draw attention to myself and to keep to ourselves. Just be a good girl and follow the rules. To further intensify my feelings of low self-esteem, I was made to feel that I was never better than my younger brother; in terms of cuteness, intelligence and adorability. I was left to my own devices, day dreams and personal interpretations of myself. Added to that was to fear anything of the unknown; persons or situations perceived as strange, foreign and beyond my established comfort zone.
We stayed at a rented house, whilst my dad was undergoing his bachelor degree at the University of Guelph, Ontario, Canada. The neighbor's kids invited my brother and I to play in their basement. For a kid whose parents couldn't afford toys, imagine my awe when I saw that the basement was actually a whole playroom with a kitchen play set, a battery operated car that you could sit in and drive and every suburban middle class household equipment in the form of a toy that every suburban middle class household would own. It felt like if I got a job, this was what my house would have in it. As a kid, you can imagine how awesome it felt to be invited to come over and play. Unfortunately, my excitement was soon dampened when on the first day itself, the only day actually, my mom gave specific instructions to come home immediately when my neighbor's kids' dad came home from work. That was the only time I was allowed to play at my neighbor's house. It was also the beginnings of instilling fear in me of strange men.
The neighbor at the other side of the house wasn't as refined as the other neighbor I mentioned. This family was more "farmhouse". One of the guys showed me a tattoo with numbers on his arm. I even got a glimpse of his lacerated back. That was my one time experience meeting the neighbors on this side of the house. We were told to keep away from those neighbors.
At school I kept to myself. I didn't have any friends. I only remember that I was slow in Math and always had to stay in during recess to finish the work the teacher gave. (Could it be the beginnings of my Math teaching later in life?) Actually I didn't mind staying in and doing Math at all. I preferred not going out and having to socialize. It also was the reason that when I didn't have to stay in for Math, I spent most of my time at the reading section of the class (I especially enjoyed Dr Seuss books) rather than go out to play during recess.
My first day of school. Kindergarten.
I spent three years of schooling whilst living in Canada. I don't particularly remember and feeling like there was anything exciting about living in a foreign country. I felt like my life was always "in check". The good thing was that the more liberal education system gave me educational advantage in my early years, especially in the English Language and Mathematics, even though my social interactions and skills was largely inhibited and restraint. For children, it is the social skills which make for a happy childhood and healthy relationships, whilst building character and tenacity in life.
My fears and lack of confidence would soon be a major factor in my late discovery of what it is like to be free from my fears and decide that my life was actually more of an adventure once I realized that I didn't need to please anyone but myself and allowed myself to be my own version of ME and work on the creation of my individuality, still a work in progress.
It was very much later in life, with much dissatisfaction about my life, in my late forties that I started to discover more about myself and the potential of being true to myself. In the words of Marissa Peers, "I am Enough!"
Our family kept to ourselves with our social circle limited to those from our own country, Malaysia.
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